September 2006

ASK THE SMART GUY: Monthly column by Dennis Latham.

Big News

The Smart Guy discovers great bargains to use for holiday gifts.

The Smart Guy Hiring Research Personnel

At noon yesterday, the Smart Guy received good news from the U.S. government in the form of taxpayer money for the following research grants:

1. Study of why North American salamanders can only reproduce during thunderstorms while facing South (falls under population control mandates for application to humans.).

$500,000. Hiring four researchers for year long study. Must at least be able to recognize a salamander, and be able to have sex while facing South under adverse weather conditions.

2. Study the effects of Bulgarian tree moss on the sweat glands of North American rodents. (Biochemical research for weapons capable toxic tree moss and to develop a new rat potion.)

$600,000. Hiring four researchers for year long study. Requires working knowledge of rodent sweat glands and tree moss. Researchers can be male or female, but due to knowledge required for job, will probably live with one or both parents, and have no life.

3. Study the validity (for possible criminal indictment) of certain coroners and their reports of more than one self-inflicted shotgun blast to the face of supposed suicide victims. (Are insurance companies paying off coroners to change cause of death from murder to suicide?)

$575,000. Justice Department Grant. Possible RICO and Supreme Court interest. Hiring up to twenty-four researchers for up to one year. A real no brainer job. This grant will be used to answer the question as to whether a person can shoot self in the head more than once with a shotgun. Prefer hopeless, depressed researchers or politicians with a complete face. Must be able to reload and fire shotgun while under stress of major head trauma. One year salary in advance.

4. Study the social matriarchal tendencies and sexual dysfunction of homeless amoebic sea twerps. (Oceangraphic study of twenty-three ocean currents as applied to social interaction. Questionable research since no one has ever heard of amoebic sea twerps.

$600,000. Hiring up to six researchers for up to six months. Travel with the Smart Guy to find fabled amoebic sea twerps sighted off Marriott Beach at Grand Cayman Island. Find out why homeless sea twerps drift with ocean currents, are prone to multiple sex partners, and why sea twerp society is controlled by older female sea twerps. Findings may be used in template of projected future divorce statistics and construction of underwater cities.

5. Ed. Note: Rest of column lost in pixel fog from long ago [JTC 2021].

Historical value only: Dead links & contact info deleted in 2021 during website renovation. [JTC]

Having problems from combat? Visit [lost link] to get help with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), VA Compensation, and more. Obtain The S-2 Report and other pamphlets from Dennis Latham Publishing. For real now: Having problems from combat? Visit [lost link]. "I'm always available at [lost phone number] to veterans and counselors when they have a question or just want to talk."—Dennis Latham.

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