June 2006

ASK THE SMART GUY: Monthly column by Dennis Latham.

Before we get to the Question of the Month: Three out of four female college professors love the Smart Guy.

(The photo above was taken moments before the one in black fired a gun-noise from her handy at him after hearing his dinosaur theory.)

Question of the Month: What Killed The Dinosaurs?

Until the 19th century, no one knew dinosaurs had existed. Darwin claimed we came from apes, and everybody started digging up the ground. I didnít know dinosaurs existed until I watched the original black and white ape movie. King Kong killed a couple of nasty dinosaurs and shook several guys off a log before he decided to visit New York. King Kong climbed the Empire State building, but he couldn't scale a log wall to stomp natives. The natives built the wall to keep King Kong and the dinosaurs out, but they put a giant door in it. Suppose a native wanted to pick jungle fruit?

"Hey, Mike, help me get some bananas."

"Okay, let me go get three hundred guys to help open the door."

I saw dinosaurs again in the movie One Million BC starring Racquel Welch. The movie featured bearded, filthy men clubbing each other while they rolled around with gorgeous women wearing fur bikinis. A volcano wiped out the movie dinosaurs. The cavemen ignored Racquel, but everything else in the movie wanted to eat her. Such realism is hard to find.

The Splat Theory speculates that polar cap ice builds to a point where the earth flips over and everything, except two points on earth, stops moving. Since the earth rotates at 5000 mph, the earth would stop, but living creatures would go forward at 5000 mph, creating one big tomato splat.

The Giant Meteor Theory has gaps. A huge meteor struck the earth near Mexico and raised a dust cloud that cooled the planet and everything died. It didn't kill roaches and crocodiles, and some dinosaurs had thick hair to survive cold weather.

My own Mallard Theory was developed using astral projection, plate tectonics, and time travel. I decided the dinosaurs were wiped out by a now extinct flock of carnivorous saber-toothed Mallard ducks. Once the dinosaurs died, the ducks lost their tusks. Scientists have laughed and commented about my brain function, but they can't prove I'm wrong.

I have tried to get a government grant to prove my theory, but I have to compete with more important studies. Last year, researchers received $500,000 to study the effect of Bulgarian tree moss on the sweat glands of North American rodents, and $300,000 to find out why salamanders face North during reproduction.

I plan to feed meat to mallard ducks, glue walrus tusks to their bills, and starve them before turning them loose on a small Indiana town. If my theory proves correct, the military implications will be staggering. The United States could save billions on missiles and stealth bombers by releasing starving mallard ducks over enemy territory. The Discovery Channel reported finding a large dinosaur graveyard in Argentina. Several new species have been uncovered, including the remains of what has been estimated to be several thousand elephant size saber-toothed ducks. /p>

I just might get my grant this year./p>


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