September 2005

ASK THE SMART GUY: Monthly column by Dennis Latham.

Always a fashion plate, the Smart Guy answers the question below at a Black Tie Geology Convention moments before the Cleveland college professor audience tried to lynch him.

Question of the Month: Where is the lost city of Atlantis?

In answering this question, consideration must be given to the land mass existing before present day continents. North America and South America were once connected to Europe, Asia, and Africa. This land mass was called Pangea. Geologists claim no people lived during this period. But how would they know without being there? I believe Atlantis existed at this time and so did the Pangea Bus Company.

A person could ride from Atlantis to Cairo in only three years and 27 days while making stops at over 2000 redneck towns with greasy-spoon diners. One can only speculate on the perversions available in the 200 major bus station bathrooms along the route. One could also sit next to a brimming cornucopia of varied races; all who would be overweight and have terminal bronchitis.

So when the continents split, Atlantis and the Pangea Bus Company fell in a crack and became lost. My extensive research on fault lines and plate movement concludes Atlantis is located exactly 492 feet below present day Cleveland, Ohio.

A scientist friend of mine used to drive a semi-truck to Cleveland at night. His boss told him not to stop for red lights and not to get out of his truck while it was being unloaded. I figure Atlantis is about as lost as a city could possibly become.

In the future, researchers may discover the fossil remains of the Pangea Bus Company below Cleveland.

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