July 2005

ASK THE SMART GUY: Monthly column by Dennis Latham.

I have the ability to answer any question on any subject. I could make a fortune on game shows, but I'm shy, heavily tattooed, wear funny clothes, and have a radio face. Television producers ignore me.

I also have a partial autopsy scar; proving one should not get drunk and pass out after winning a philosophy debate with a trashed sore-loser county coroner. Visible energy lines radiate from my head. I can't go to church because people think I have a halo and they kneel and pray to me. The radiant energy has often knocked out electrical power in my neighborhood. This usually occurs during storms, so no one knows it's my fault.

I was not born a smart guy. I woke up one morning several years ago to discover I had become a genius. My late father had asked me a question during breakfast, catching me by surprise because he usually grunted over his newspaper.

"Boy, are you ever going to get a job?"

"No, I'm a genius."

Since I was 36, and living at home, my answer wasn't received in a supportive manner. This ended our personal conversations, until he decided I was a smart guy. When he spoke to me afterwards, always with a tone of awe and respect, I answered in an ancient Peruvian dialect. He didn't understand Peruvian, so our conversations remained brief. I now answer questions to the best of my ability and with the credibility my reputation warrants. As in the case of my father, it may take years before many people admit that I’m really a smart guy instead of spending their time wondering what medications I’m taking.

The Smart Guy recently moved because radical college professors questioned his parentage, college degree, and brain function.

Question of the Month

Is there or will there ever be a real sinus cure? Yes, but you won’t be able to use it in the near future, if ever. The Food and Drug Administration rejected the new sinus cure in May of 2005 after the delivery system blew seven windows out of their office during tests in the Federal Building in Indianapolis, Indiana. The sinus cure, developed by Albert Monk of Guilford, Indiana, has the scientific name Pigfarmus ferrous oxide.

“This Monk guy is insane,” an anonymous FDA spokesman said. “His so called delivery system appears to be a fragmentation hand grenade. We’re lucky no one was killed, but it did stop my sinus problems.”

“It says right on the package to clear the room and open the windows,” Albert Monk said. “Those idiot FDA testers forgot to follow my manufacturer instructions.”

Pigfarmus ferrous oxide was developed after Monk got lost one night while drunk and drove past the “stinkeness pig farm in Indiana.”

“The smell made my hair stand up, but it cleared my sinus problem right up.”

This led him to conduct research into the results of a $500,000 dollar government study that concluded those people who live up to a mile downwind of a pig farm are more depressed and suicidal than people who don’t. But the same people have fewer sinus problems.

“I could have provided the government that information for a six-pack and ten bucks,” Monk said.

When asked about the product name, Monk shrugged.

“I picked the name Pigfarmus. My chemist, One-eye Lefty Macpherson, added ferrous oxide. I believe he thought he was making gunpowder. The name sounds good and looks like the goofy ingredient names you see on over-the-counter sinus medications. I guarantee the cure will remain in your house for years. The smell, like old sneakers mixed with rotten cheese, takes some getting used to, but for families with teenagers, this shouldn’t be a problem.”

The FDA has turned the matter over to the Justice Department. So far, nothing has been done and Monk intends to sell his sinus cure on the web.

(The Pigfarmus Sinus Cure is explained)

“It’s a good product,” Monk said. “If used right, you have no sinus problems. If used wrong you have no head. Either way, you have no sinus problems.”

Why I moved

Using the latest urban camouflage, this gorgeous college-professor turned sniper helped influence the Smart Guy’s recent decision to move.

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