June 2005

ASK THE SMART GUY: Monthly column by Dennis Latham.

The Smart Guy often wears a political intern disguise when obtaining secret information in Washington.

Will the old space shuttles ever be replaced?

Not in the near future…

I managed to gain entrance to closed Senate hearings on the failure of the new $40,000,000,000 Top-Secret space shuttle replacement called the Channel Cat. Shown below for the first time anywhere, moments before it crashed near Galina, Indiana last July while attempting to approach Wright Patterson Air Force Base in Dayton, Ohio, the prototype developed by a private contractor is being called "the dumbest waste of money the taxpayer has ever been forced to endure."

This classified photo shows the prototype Channel Cat Space Shuttle moments before it crashed into a drug van in July 2004.

Five people were killed (three military and two civilians) in the carnage created when the shuttle hit a van trying to escape undercover police during a drug bust.

A police spokesman said the accident was unfortunate, but at least the shuttle did remove two more drug dealers off the streets for good. The shuttle, attached to a military transport plane, was released at 10,000 feet and its water-cooled, gill-driven, cockpit engines are supposed to kick in at 9,000 feet. The engines failed, according to a witness, farmer Newton Forbish.

"I was standing in my field when I saw this thing coming down. It was quiet. I didn't hear nothing until the explosion. If you ask me, I think they forgot to put the engines in it. Of course, any fool knows something shaped like a catfish can't fly very long."

The Senate investigation will focus on a long string of useless expenditures including the $20,000,000,000 spent on a new Mexico-constructed communication satellite (pictured below) that didn’t work because of inferior parts, and a failed pill called Swipe that cleans teeth and fixes cavities and eliminates the need for soldiers to carry the weight of a toothbrush into combat. Fraud charges are pending when it was discovered the pill was actually a red sour gumball.

This Mexico-constructed communication satellite was no bargain for the money.

A Senate spokesman said the money could have been better spent on free postage for political fund raising and new government buildings in the DC area. When asked why the money couldn't be refunded to the taxpayer, the Senate spokesman laughed.

"That's dumber than trying to make a catfish fly," he said.

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