The Smart Guy discovers great bargains to use for holiday gifts.
The Smart Guy (Big News)
The Smart Guy Hiring Research Personnel
At noon yesterday, the Smart Guy received good news from the U.S. government in the form of taxpayer money for the following research grants:
1. Study of why North American salamanders can only reproduce during thunderstorms while facing South.
(Falls under population control mandates for application to humans.)
$500,000. Hiring four researchers for year long study. Must at least be able to recognize a salamander, and be able to have sex while facing South under adverse weather conditions.
2. Study the effects of Bulgarian tree moss on the sweat glands of North American rodents.
(Biochemical research for weapons capable toxic tree moss and to develop a new rat posion.)
$600,000. Hiring four researchers for year long study. Requires working knowledge of rodent sweat glands and tree moss. Researchers can be male or female, but due to knowledge required for job, will probably live with one or both parents, and have no life.
3. Study the validity (for possible criminal indictment) of certain coroners and their reports of more than one self-inflicted shotgun blast to the face of supposed suicide victims.
(Are insurance companies paying off coroners to change cause of death from murder to suicide?)
$575,000. Justice Department Grant. Possible RICO and Supreme Court interest. Hiring up to twenty-four researchers for up to one year. A real no brainer job. This grant will be used to answer the question as to whether a person can shoot self in the head more than once with a shotgun. Prefer hopeless, depressed researchers or politicians with a complete face. Must be able to reload and fire shotgun while under stress of major head trauma. One year salary in advance.
4. Study the social matriarchal tendencies and sexual dysfunction of homeless amoebic sea twerps.
(Oceangraphic study of twenty-three ocean currents as applied to social interaction. Questionable research since no one has ever heard of amoebic sea twerps. )
$600,000. Hiring up to six researchers for up to six months. Travel with the Smart Guy to find fabled amoebic sea twerps sighted off Marriott Beach at Grand Cayman Island. Find out why homeless sea twerps drift with ocean currents, are prone to multiple sex partners, and why sea twerp society is controlled by older female sea twerps. Findings may be used in template of projected future divorce statistics and construction of underwater cities.
5. Study the White Guy Phenomenon.
(Proposal to include several trips to Las Vegas to study white guy gambling habits. )
$1,200,000. Hiring up to twenty unemployed white guys from all economic and education levels for up to one year. (Excludes anyone who has ever been on Jerry Springer Show or elected officials.) Study why American white guys get blamed for everything from causing earthquakes to current unrest in East Zibblestan. Find out if white guys have some hidden telepathic secret that makes everyone hate them. Funded from Immigration Service budget attached to H.R. Bill 9163 to study the feasiblility of deporting all non-politician white guys born in America to the South Pole by the year 2025.
The above grants of more than $3,400,000 may be considered a total waste of taxpayer money. When one considers that every time an oil tanker breaks down off some exotic location like Wake Island, the price of gasoline goes up fifty cents a gallon, the grants are a drop in the giant American money bucket. How does one weigh these grants against the cost of one 15,000 pound gasoline ignited bomb or $1,000,000 a piece laser guided missles. These grants were paid for by the Federal taxes of the entire population of Wheeling, West Virginia during three weeks in July. No one else should get angry. The residents of Wheeling may all raise their middle fingers in a salute to the Smart Guy for creating enough lies to obtain the money.
Salamanders and rodents only, please.
This job applicant will be rejected for submitting a lizard photo.
Send a question to the smart guy: firstname.lastname@example.org
More Dennis Latham fiction
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