Weasel Rigatoni (quoted below) never worried about
paying unemployment compensation.
Ask
the Smart Guy
Why do we fear death?
"Death," said
the 1920 gangster, Weasel Rigatoni, "is a way of telling your employees dat dey is unemployed."
Many words describe
this last traumatic event: croaked, buying the farm,
planted, blowed away, wasted, taken for a ride. As a man, I add chick-flicks
and marriage.
One religious sect even believes that if you've been married at least twice,
you qualify for a job as a tour guide in Hell.
(I qualify for upper management
in that job category.)
Physical death can be
painless and quick or a long, agonizing process. I do not fear physical dying,
having faced it too many times from pointer-poking Catholic nuns and angry,
pistol-waving scientists.
(When you claim to be a smart guy, people get
angry.)
I did experience a form
of a long agonizing death years ago when a family member forced me to sit
through the Brooke Shields movie Blue Lagoon, and then a few years later, I
begged to be put out of my misery during Bridges of Madison County.
(I’m old enough to remember when you could still
smoke in the movie theater and they had real ushers you could hit in the back
of the head with hard candy. They also had real balconies where you could gag
and pour vegetable soup over the railing and watch the fun.)
I think we fear most
what comes after death, which could be nothing.
That's the scary part. You tried to be good your entire life for nothing. Then
you end up being nothing, angry about nothing. So, we have the bright light
theory. Survivors of near-death experiences claim they saw a bright light and
dead friends and family pulled them toward the light.
Scientists claim the human body shutting down causes the bright light illusion,
but they don't know for sure. I believe the bright light theory because it's
better than nothing. I have accepted that my brain function will cease and I
will pass on to a place where one meets departed friends and relatives. This
could be a good thing, unless, like me, you owe them money.
So I say we fear death
because we fear change. Passing to another
life form under bright lights is the big change. Daily life may suck but most
of us are comfortable with it. I just hope the bright light isn't a subway or
an all night burger joint. I don't want to spend eternity trying to get into a
toilet filled with puking drunks or have to read endless advertising. But what
really makes me fear death is the bright light might be an entrance to a theater
showing an endless chick-flick.
But I could always
trade it off for a job as a tour guide in Hell.
Employees' bathroom
door for Tour Guides in Hell:
Send
a question to the smart guy: smartguy@dennislatham.com
More
Dennis Latham fiction
http://www.fictionwise.com/eBooks/DennisLathameBooks.htm
Look
for The Bad Season in print from
Clocktower after July 15, 2006 from Amazon or your favorite bookseller.
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An Update on Dennis Latham fiction: http://dennislathamfiction.blogspot.com/ Send a comment or a question to dinosaur@dennislatham.com. Cliffhanger
Novels is now taking submissions. Driving With Ace: The adventures of a crazy male virgin a novel by Dennis Latham. More Dennis Latham fiction from Clocktower Books |
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Having problems from combat? Visit http://www.combatptsd.net to get help with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), VA Compensation, and more. The S-2 Report and other pamphlets from Dennis Latham Publishing. For real now: Having problems from combat? Visit http://www.combatptsd.net. Latham Publishing, 5096 Main/PO Box 105, Guilford, Indiana 47022. "I'm always available at 812-487-2990 to veterans and counselors when they have a question or just want to talk."—Dennis Latham. |