The Smart Guy during his male prostitute phase. Women love the truck-driver hat.

Ask the Smart Guy

What causes baldness?

One prime reason is truck-driver hats; those baseball-looking hats with advertising or some strange message like "Eat Me" across the front. It is a fact that 93 out of 100 bald people wear truck-driver hats.

If you see a truck-driver hat on a counter or rack, there will be a bald person in the vicinity.

To understand baldness, you must understand hair basic nature. Hair does not fall out. It jumps. Some people lack vital nutrients in the scalp area. They either have extra brain cavity space or the salt from hat brims kill the hair roots. This does not mean that only bald people with small brains wear truck-driver hats, but think about people you know who wear truck-driver hats.

Does it make sense now?

Hair follicles, rather than face shrinkage and slow death, commit suicide by uprooting themselves and leaping off the skull, sort of like lemmings migrating to the sea. In a few cases, baldness is caused by enormous brain growth. Superior intelligence causes the skull to expand beyond normal size, forcing forehead extension back along the skull, stretching hair to the breaking or suicide point.


This type person is not biologically bald, but their foreheads actually replace their skull. Since no one I know, except the Greek guy at the hoagie joint, grows hair on their forehead, there is just not enough hair to go around during superior intelligence skull expansion.


Unfortunately, I have this problem.



This man shows the beginnings of hair loss through skull expansion, also known as The Lemming Effect.


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